


On polyamory and Elves

by unknownlifeform



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Analysis, Elves, Gen, Meta, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29868291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknownlifeform/pseuds/unknownlifeform
Summary: A piece of meta on how polyamory can be part of Tolkien's works, if you decide to get pedant enough about it.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	On polyamory and Elves

**Author's Note:**

> It sure is a weird feeling to post on AO3 something that isn't fanfiction. Wild.  
> Anyways, I was inspired the past week or so. To anyone who feels like reading, please enjoy the fruits of my labor.

It's generally accepted that certain races within the Tolkien Legendarium – particularly Elves – are characterized by an extreme degree of monogamy. This is based on various writings and drafts that describe the eternal nature of Elven marriage, both by law and by a certain natural tendency of Elves towards only having one partner in their lives.

I don’t want to argue that those concepts aren't canon. While canon is surely a complicated matter when it comes to Tolkien, my goal isn't to discuss whether or not something should be considered canon or not, such as the ever controversial Laws and Customs of the Eldar. Rather, I am approaching canon from the perspective of a polyamorous aromantic, and discussing small but significant contradictions that I’ve found in some statements. I’d like to make a case for more space to be given to polyamorous interpretations of Tolkien, in particular in the context of fandom which I haven’t always found to be supportive.

**What is polyamory?**

First, let's clarify what polyamory means. There are many different definitions of polyamory around the web, but in general we can say that polyamory is the practice of having multiple committed relationships with multiple different people at the same time, with the consent of all involved parties.

Polyamory is not cheating or adultery, as cheating involves going behind one's partner's back and breaking their trust. Polyamorous relationships are based on communication and consent from all involved parties. Polyamory isn't equivalent with promiscuity, and in fact sex isn't even necessarily an important factor in a polyamorous relationship – although of course, promiscuity is not a negative thing in itself, and promiscuous polyamorous people are no less worthy of respect.

Polyamorous relationships can come in many flavors. A triad is basically a three-way couple. A vee situation has a person being involved with two other people, who are not themselves involved with each other. Some people can have partners that they consider primary or secondary, depending on how present those people are in their lives, while others don’t make such distinctions between their relationships. A relationship can go from a simple triad to very complex situations with no upper number of people involved.

Polyamory is also not strictly romantic. I mentioned being a polyamorous aromantic in the introduction. I am completely uninterested in a romantic relationship, and in fact would prefer to never have to be involved in one, but I'm open to other forms of partnership. Someone can have non-romantic, sexual partners, or queerplatonic partners, or relationships they don't wish to describe in any particular way.

An age old question is whether or not polyamory falls under the queer umbrella. There isn't a complete consensus on this, neither within the queer community nor the polyamorous one, and this isn't the place for me to try and sway anyone’s opinion. Regardless of what one thinks on this matter, it’s hard to deny that polyamorous people are a marginalized group facing specific struggles within society. While polyamory has been gaining some traction in recent years, it's still heavily misunderstood and misrepresented, and many still point fingers at it and call it dirty, perverse or immoral. Struggles polyamorous people face include lack of marriage equality, stigma, being fired from their jobs or having their polyamory used against them in child custody cases.

Lastly, some polyamorous people consider being polyamorous a choice, but not all of them. Many feel that they wouldn't be able to thrive within a monogamous setting, and that their polyamory is something innate and unchangeable.

**Tolkien vs. Polyamory**

Tolkien might have had things to say about the word  _ polyamory _ in itself – the term  _ poly  _ is Greek for  _ many _ , while  _ amor  _ is Latin for  _ love,  _ making  _ polyamory _ kind of a linguistic Frankenstein. That being said, he likely never heard of it, as the term only started appearing in publications in the early 90's.

Polyamory doesn't really come up in Tolkien's Legendarium. Not only there aren't openly polyamorous couples, but in fact there are various hints that seem to imply that monogamy is the universal norm (and that monogamous people are better than polyamorous people).

When it comes to Hobbits and Men, there is some wiggle room for interpretation. While there aren't on page examples of polyamory, it's hard to discount the possibility entirely. In fact, Hobbits seem to be fandom favorites when it comes to making someone polyamorous. On the other hand, Tolkien is much firmer when it comes to the monogamous tendencies of Dwarves and Elves.

Dwarves are mentioned in Appendix A of Lord of the Rings to only marry once, and be very jealous of their spouses. Jealousy can easily occur in polyamorous relationships just as it does in monogamous ones, but it’s definitely harder for a polycule to be stable if someone has serious issues sharing their partner(s). Tolkien seems to tell us that Dwarven jealousy is too fierce for them to consider having any kind of non-monogamous arrangement.

Now, if one wanted to be pedantic, it could be argued that marriage is in general a romantic arrangement. Why shouldn't a married Dwarf be able to have a non-romantic relationship? A queerplatonic partner, maybe?

However, rather than being pedantic, maybe it's better to bring up the fact that Appendix A describes Dwarves as jealous not only of their spouses, but of  _ "all matters of their rights" _ . The characterization of the Dwarven race as jealous or greedy has been commented upon before by many people. Tolkien's Dwarves are fairly strongly Jewish-coded, and making them all out to be terribly jealous can play in to some unfortunate antisemitic stereotypes.

This isn't to suggest that polyamorous Dwarves would magically fix any issues that can be found in Tolkien's writing or that it would be the morally superior choice to let Dwarves all have open relationships, far from it. Rather, it's more of a general comment on how it may be questionable to use extreme and fierce jealousy as a main reason for Dwarven monogamy.

Moving on from Dwarves, Elves are the other strongly monogamous Tolkien race. They are known to only marry once in their eternal lives, with second marriages or adultery being basically unknown in their society. However, here is where I have a lot of space to get pedantic about the way things are presented to us.

Much of what we know of Elven marriage comes from Morgoth's Ring, and in particular from Laws and Customs of the Eldar (if hearing people mentioning LACE in analysis gives you an instant headache clap your hands~). Here comes the first question: given we are never told about marriage customs among the Avari, can we apply any of what LACE says to them? Nothing says that the average Avari marriage doesn’t have at least six people in it.

Elves – or at least, the Eldar – are said to have only one spouse, and if that spouse dies they never take a second. This is because dead Elves eventually return to life, and remarriage was forbidden to avoid potential strife once the first spouse comes back from the dead. In principle, this is an understandable concern.

However, we do have one exception to the no-second-marriages rule. Finwe was able to marry Indis after his first wife Miriel died, because Miriel refused to return to life. As she didn't plan to ever be reborn, there was no risk of jealousy between her and Indis.

We are shown in Morgoth's Ring how Finwe met Miriel again when he was killed. The two of them talk, and Miriel states that she doesn't hold a grudge against Indis, and in fact loves or at least cares for her, because she cherished the husband Miriel now feels she abandoned. Indis's feelings on the matter aren't known, but Miriel seems fairly content with being part of the vee hinging on her husband.

This contradicts the idea that there would necessarily be strife between first and second spouses. It certainly could happen, but it would probably not be a universal experience. Some people, like Miriel, might even be glad if their spouse remarried after their death, rather than being alone for who knows how long. This already gives ground to argue that some forms of polyamorous relationships might be possible between the Eldar.

We also have a quote, again from Morgoth’s Ring, stating that there can be no second marriage among Elves, because " _ by the law of the nature of the Elves, the néri and the níssi being equal, there can be union only of one with one _ ", the  _ néri _ being male Elves and the  _ níssi _ being female Elves. This essentially seems to say that because  _ néri  _ and  _ níssi _ are equal, or in other words, because there is no sexism among Elves, then Elves can only marry once.

Tolkien seems to be referencing polygamy here, the practice in which one man takes multiples wives. Polygamy can often occur in a heavily sexist context, in which women are seen as a possession to hoard. 

Polygamy and polyamory are not necessarily the same. There can be a polyamorous arrangement where one man has multiple female partners, but sexism doesn’t have to be a feature at all here. One man can be in a relationship with many women, and still respect each and every one of them, and two women can find themselves happy and fulfilled while sharing the same male partner.

Saying that there is no sexism among Elves, therefore no  _ nér _ will marry many  _ níssi _ (or a  _ nís _ marry many  _ néri _ ) is faulty logic. A  _ nér _ will never consider a  _ nís _ only as an object – the existence of certain Silmarillion characters being currently ignored – but the consequence of that is not that a  _ nér _ cannot ever want to marry more than one  _ nís _ . A  _ nér _ could be in love with multiple  _ níssi _ , and value each of them as a companion.

Yes, it's possible that some  _ níssi _ would not appreciate sharing their husband. Then again, polyamory is also not suitable for everyone. The logic of that particular argument is a little forced, moreso because Elves – Valinorean Elves, at least – would not have a concept of sexist polygamy to begin with. This argument could be used by an Elf arguing with someone else about why Elven relationships are a certain way, but it seems hard to imagine that a Valinorean Elf would say, “we are not like people who see women as objects” when they never met such people in the first place.

There is one last reason that can be brought up as to why monogamy is the common practice between Elves, and that is that Elves are strictly monogamous by nature. This is also something that Tolkien says. In fact, Elves are apparently so monogamous that we are told they seem to only experience sexual desire for their spouse, and even in that aspect they will never want anyone else.

While it certainly can be argued that Elves cannot, by nature, have any interest in polyamory, the argument seems in some way flawed. And also insidious.

It's flawed because we know not all Elves necessarily love once. There is Finwe, for starters, who in regard of his wives said  _ "It is unlawful to have two wives, but one may love two women, each differently, and without diminishing one love by another. Love of Indis did not drive out love of Míriel; so now pity for Míriel doth not lessen my heart's care for Indis" _ .

And while we have no other instance of second marriages, one may also mention Finduilas, who first fell in love with the Elf Gwindor and later with the mortal Turin. Finduilas's feelings for Gwindor faded when she met Turin, so she didn't technically love them both at the same time. However, this is further proof that an Elf's love is something that can occur multiple times, not just one. Finduilas loved Gwindor enough to enter an engagement with him, and we are told it's very rare for Elves to make mistakes when it comes to these matters. And this love that we can argue was true and deep did not prevent Finduilas from loving another person after.

(Gwindor also apparently didn't hold any resentment for Finduilas's new feelings. Any words of discouragement he had for her were due to practical reasons such as the fact that Turin was cursed to destroy everything he touched. This is another instance of an Elf being remarkably not jealous that his beloved found a new person to love. Just saying, we know Turin never had romantic feelings for Finduilas, but in another life they could have been a happy vee or triad. At least, for as long as Turin’s curse behaved.)

We could instead make the argument that polyamorous Elves were a minority among a monogamous majority, and that monogamous practices were simply at some point established as the societal norm. Having multiple wife is  _ unlawful _ , so Finwe says, but loving multiple women is  _ possible _ .

Rather than flat out considering all Elves monogamous, it may be more interesting to wonder how many of them are, and how do polyamorous Elves cope in a society that seems to very much enforce compulsory monogamy. Would a triad, for example, have to pick which partners marry and which one gets left out? It's an unfair choice to make, more so because Elven marriages come with a specific bond that ties the souls of the partners together. The third person would end up entirely missing out on an entire form of intimacy.

There's also a possible question on whether did Finwe's second marriage make it even harder for polyamorous Elves to form a relationship. Again in Morgoth's Ring, we are told that some Elves lost interest in ever forming a second marriage after seeing the feud between the son Finwe had with Míriel and the children he had with Indis. When the only example of a certain thing you have fails so spectacularly as Finwe's family dynamics did, it can be easy to start thinking it's pointless to recreate it. Nevermind that Indis and Míriel were possibly the least responsible people for that mess.

Earlier, I said that picturing Elves as by nature monogamous can be insidious, and I stand by that. The polyamorous community is, as previously mentioned, often discriminated against, and telling a marginalized group that they don't exist in a certain fictional universe is never a considerate move.

Maybe going with strictly monogamous Elves is "more canon" than accepting the idea of polyamorous Elves. But when it comes to fandom spaces, people don't always act in good faith when it comes to upholding their perceived canon. An example could be those fans who point at how Tolkien mentioned that Elves are always born with perfect bodies to argue that Elves cannot be transgender or disabled. The insistence is not a matter of upholding canon (or what they perceive as canon) for the sake of integrity, but rather a sentence that bigots in fandom use to push away other fans.

So one thing I do wonder when I see people argue for the strict monogamy of Elves is, why is this person so firm in their opinion? Is it only genuine belief in Tolkien's every word, or is there some anti-polyamorous sentiment too? Is it because this person does see monogamous relationships as better and purer? Is this person accepting of polyamorous fans' interpretations, or do they find them distasteful? Is this person a monogamous person fantasizing about their ideal monogamous relationship, and if so, why do they think that even allowing the existence of polyamory would somehow threaten said fantasy?

Lastly, so far the only polyamory discussed was romantic polyamory, and in the context of all partners being primary. But that's not all that polyamory is.

The matter of sex and Elves is a whole other can of worms that I won't touch here, but nothing forbids an Elf from having one spouse and six queerplatonic partners, if they want, and those queerplatonic partners may be as important as the romantic one. Not to mention, one doesn't even have to argue about whether or not it would be allowed, because nothing in Morgoth's Ring references non-romantic relationships.

Or, an Elf may have one primary partner – their spouse – and then have multiple secondary ones. By law they cannot marry more than one person, but no law says that they can't love someone dearly without wanting to marry them or make them a constant part of their life. Solo poly refers to a polyamorous person who has multiple partners, but doesn't wish to form a relationship in the traditional sense, preferring to maintain a sense of independence. A solo poly Elf could function quite well.

In short, there are forms of polyamory that an Elf could engage in without going against any marriage custom or law, which in turn weakens the argument of monogamy being the one true way for Elves to exist.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for the attention through the ramble, feel free to let me know your thoughts.


End file.
